Nobody Expects the Homeland Inquisition!
(Written in a pique of annoyed parody, after Tom Ridge told everyone to get duct tape and plastic wrap.)
Because I can never resist an opportunity for parody, I've decided to rewrite a combination of two of the Monty Python Spanish Inquisition sketches for the modern era. If you like it, feel free to forward it all over the place, all in the name of making a laughingstock of this administration, as it richly deserves. It's scary how few changes actually needed to be made.
Man: Trouble at the towers.
Woman: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Man: Some bloody looney has flown a plane into them.
Woman: Well what on earth does that mean?
Man: *I* don't know - Mr Bin Laden just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the towers, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Homeland Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Cheney enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Ashcroft has oil dripping from his forehead. Cardinal Ridge is just Cardinal Ridge)
Cheney: NOBODY expects the Homeland Inquisition! Our chief weapon is fear...fear and racism...racism and fear.... Our two weapons are fear and racism...and xenophobia.... Our *three* weapons are fear, racism, and xenophobia...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Resident.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such diverse elements as fear, racism.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Man: I didn't expect a kind of Homeland Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals burst in)
Cheney: NOBODY expects the Homeland Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, racism, xenophobia, an almost fanatical devotion to the Resident, and mind-boggling stupidity - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Ashcroft) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Ashcroft: What?
Cheney: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Ashcroft: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...
(Cheney bundles the cardinals outside again)
Man: I didn't expect a kind of Homeland Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter)
Ashcroft: Er.... Nobody...um....
Cheney: Expects...
Ashcroft: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Homeland...um...
Cheney: Inquisition.
Ashcroft: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Homeland Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Cheney: Our chief weapons are...
Ashcroft: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Cheney: Racism...
Ashcroft: Racism and --
Cheney: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are racism...blah blah blah. Cardinal Ridge, read the charges!
Ridge: You are accused of terrorism on three counts. Terrorism by thought, terrorism by word, terrorism by deed, and terrorism by activism. Four counts. Now, how do you plead?
Woman: We're innocent.
Cheney: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Ashcroft: We'll soon change the public mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL POLICY')
Man: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Cheney: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Now, Cardinal Ashcroft -- FETCH THE DUCT TAPE!
(JARRING CHORD - Ashcroft holds out an ordinary roll of orange duct tape)
Cheney: Now, swarthy outlander -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of terrorism, reject the works of the unamerican -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Man: I don't know what you're talking about.
Cheney: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Cover him with the duct tape!
(Ashcroft carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Cheney: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Ashcroft: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.
Cheney: Are you using the sticky side?
Ashcroft: Yes, lord.
Cheney: (angrily hurling away the duct tape) Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Ridge! Fetch...THE PLASTIC WRAP!
(JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Ridge's horrified face)
Ridge: (terrified) The...Plastic Wrap?
(Ridge pushes in a giant roll of plastic food wrapping)
Cheney: So you think you are strong because you can survive the duct tape. Well, we shall see. Ashcroft! Cover him in the plastic wrap!
(They roughly cover him in the plastic wrap)
Cheney: (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Plastic Wrap until lunch time, with only a break to shop for capitalism at eleven. (aside, to Ashcroft) Is that really all it is?
Ashcroft: Yes, lord.
Cheney: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, foreigner. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Ashcroft: I confess!
Cheney: Not you!
(c) Paul Gowder, 2-19-03, except of course for those parts stolen red-handedly from the Monty Python team, which I'm willing to make a good argument for fair use of. May be redistributed, excerpted, printed, or otherwise copied freely so long as this copyright notice is included, and no words that are not mine are identified as mine. Errors forgiven. This text will enter the public domain on 2-19-04, or when Bush invades Iraq, whichever comes first.
